Category: Blog

Dear Sabrina, ( A letter from a suicide survivor)

 

Dear Sabrina,

Your death has changed a lot for so many of us but I can only speak for myself. It hurts to know that I can’t see you again. It’s strange really knowing that you are no longer a phone call or a drive away. It’s been over a year and It still hurts. Although maybe not as intense as before, I know this sadness will forever be here. I wish you would have shared your pain with me. I wish I could have shined that light for you like I have done for so many moms. But, had we not lose you, I probably would never have had the courage to do so.

When I found out what happened, I was numb. I remember sitting there by my vanity with no thought in the world. I don’t know how I made it to work that day. I felt the anger but I also felt empathy. I’ve always been the sensitive kind, I too have struggled with depression but it I didn’t really deal with it as a child. However, I felt instant empathy for you. The darkness I knew you must have felt but overwhelming. I felt severe sadness. Why?! Why GOD!? Why did you let this happen?! How could you have let this happen?! I felt sadness for myself, your family, and most of all your daughters. I thought, “They will go on without their mother!” That was when I held my daughter tighter that night.

Then, I felt guilty. I should have seen the signs. I should have called you more. Why didn’t I just call you? Why? Why didn’t I just come over to keep you company? Why?

It was the guilt and the stress of becoming a mother of two when my own postpartum depression sank in. Is this how you felt? Oh, Lord! This is painful! Is this how you felt before you died!? I am scared, I don’t want to die but I want the pain to go away. I can’t handle this pain. My family doesn’t deserve to deal with my mess. Knowing how you must have felt was so overwhelming. Knowing the pain. This pain is something I would never wish upon anyone and to know how my best friend felt? It was even more painful!

It was around the time I decided to start healing when I realized how much you’ve changed me. Sometimes, I feel like you’ve passed your empathy down to me. I walk through life a lot slower, I remember to feel my emotions and most of all, I show so much more grace to others. That was something you’ve taught me. That, you may never know what that stranger is going through and how just a smile can make their day so much brighter!

I miss you, my friend but I know you’re watching over me. You’re watching over all of us. I know you see me, especially when the pain gets so heavy, I know you’re there.

I love you forever,

Diana Collins

 

If YOU or someone you know may be struggling please REACH OUT! YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Call 1-800-273-8255

Call the PSI Warmline at 1-800-944-4773(4PPD)

The PSI Warmline is a toll-free telephone number anyone can call to get basic information, support, and resources. Dial extension 1 for Spanish and extension 2 for English. The Warmline messages are returned every day of the week. You are welcome to leave a confidential message anytime, and one of the warmline volunteers will return your call as soon as possible. If you are not able to talk when the volunteer calls you, you can arrange another time to connect. The volunteer will give you information, encouragement, and names of resources near you.

Reading was a part of my healing – A growing list of my favorite reads

Anchored: Finding HOPE in the unexpected (Kayla Aimee) 

You know that feeling when you can’t put the book down? Oh yeah, that was the feeling I got as soon as I started reading this. Kayla shares her story about giving birth for the very first time to her micro preemie at 25 weeks. She shares how she lost trust in God and she was simply angry that her little child must suffer. Of course, I don’t want to ruin the story for you but what I loved was the story of having faith in our Lord. Although I might not have experienced what Kayla have, I can relate to her story. I was angry at God for a lot of things in my life. Countless times I’ve said, “Why me? Why do I have to deal with this? Have I not prayed enough?” You see, even after all of those nasty words I’ve said, God STILL loves me and after everything I’ve been through, I learned more about life and have grown a stronger relationship with God. That is something I will never regret. I hope you pick this book up for yourself!  Something I’ve learned about my healing process was that I have really enjoyed reading. Reading stories that I can relate to! That is why I started this blog post. I will continue to read and share my thoughts in hopes that they can help you heal as well!!  (Note: All amazon links that I share are affiliated links)

Choosing Joy after a Tragedy

This is a photo of Me, Sabrina, and Jackie at Sabrina’s bridal shower. We have been friends since high school and I have to say it has been one of the best years. Yes, we have had our ups and downs but that comes with any type of relationship. I hope they know how grateful I am for their love.

Sabrina was only 26 when she passed. It still doesn’t make sense to me. We go through life not thinking about when we die. I know that when I did, I figured we would be saying our goodbyes at a much older age but, that’s not how it worked out. I’ll never forget that day. I walked up to her urn and whispered, “We are too young to say goodbye like this!”

My whole life changed when we lost her. Not only did I go through grief and depression but, I looked at life differently. Yes, I was angry at God. It just didn’t make any sense. She wasn’t supposed to go like this. The best way I could describe my pain was a huge sword was right through me and I had to walk through life with that weight. I was drowning in life and walking with an extremely heavy heart.

For months, I let the depression in. I let that darkness settle. I got comfortable with feeling this way. All I wanted was her. I didn’t want to talk to anyone else but her. Did it put a strain on my marriage? Yes. My husband has never experienced this. What do you do with a wife who is grieving and suicidal? I got angry. All I wanted was to talk to someone who understood my pain. Someone that had lost a friend like I have. I couldn’t find anyone.

Months later, I was awakened and I felt that God pulled back those blinds and forced light into my life again. He told me that Sabrina wasn’t coming back but she is safe with him. I am still living and I owe it to her to save other moms. I blamed myself for a long time. I felt that I could have saved her. I should have seen the signs. Soon after I started the podcast, I later realized that Sabrina has saved me! Somehow even in heaven, she was able to save me.

Connecting with each of these mothers on the show have changed my life. I realized that I wasn’t alone and sure we may have completely different stories but the ending always seems to be the same. We just want to be happy! Never in a million years did I think I would start a show that has inspired so many women! I like to think that Sabrina played a part in that! Even when she was alive, she was always watching out for her friends.

Like I said earlier, my life will never be the same. I look at life so gently. I take the time to smell the roses, I am present with my family, and I also try to smile at strangers. What Sabrina has taught me was that life is too short. The last text message I sent her was that I loved her. I always tell my friends that I love them…never did I think that would be my last. So, what am I trying to tell you? Walk through life just a little bit slower. Let’s be real. Our generation moves far too fast and we forget to pause and embrace the moment. We only have one life and we will always go through hard times but we must choose to continue to live! I could have chosen to give up and let the darkness take over but thankfully, I didn’t. It takes unbelievable strength to wake up every morning but I do it for my family and all the other moms that need me to continue to spread my message. I was afraid that if I let the light shine that meant that I was forgetting Sabrina. I was so wrong. Her memory lives each time I work on the podcast and each time I share my story. Life is so fragile so please as you are reading this, be sure to hug that person or people who you love so dearly. We only have one life, so let’s live it!

 

God Bless,

Diana Collins