This is a photo of Me, Sabrina, and Jackie at Sabrina’s bridal shower. We have been friends since high school and I have to say it has been one of the best years. Yes, we have had our ups and downs but that comes with any type of relationship. I hope they know how grateful I am for their love.
Sabrina was only 26 when she passed. It still doesn’t make sense to me. We go through life not thinking about when we die. I know that when I did, I figured we would be saying our goodbyes at a much older age but, that’s not how it worked out. I’ll never forget that day. I walked up to her urn and whispered, “We are too young to say goodbye like this!”
My whole life changed when we lost her. Not only did I go through grief and depression but, I looked at life differently. Yes, I was angry at God. It just didn’t make any sense. She wasn’t supposed to go like this. The best way I could describe my pain was a huge sword was right through me and I had to walk through life with that weight. I was drowning in life and walking with an extremely heavy heart.
For months, I let the depression in. I let that darkness settle. I got comfortable with feeling this way. All I wanted was her. I didn’t want to talk to anyone else but her. Did it put a strain on my marriage? Yes. My husband has never experienced this. What do you do with a wife who is grieving and suicidal? I got angry. All I wanted was to talk to someone who understood my pain. Someone that had lost a friend like I have. I couldn’t find anyone.
Months later, I was awakened and I felt that God pulled back those blinds and forced light into my life again. He told me that Sabrina wasn’t coming back but she is safe with him. I am still living and I owe it to her to save other moms. I blamed myself for a long time. I felt that I could have saved her. I should have seen the signs. Soon after I started the podcast, I later realized that Sabrina has saved me! Somehow even in heaven, she was able to save me.
Connecting with each of these mothers on the show have changed my life. I realized that I wasn’t alone and sure we may have completely different stories but the ending always seems to be the same. We just want to be happy! Never in a million years did I think I would start a show that has inspired so many women! I like to think that Sabrina played a part in that! Even when she was alive, she was always watching out for her friends.
Like I said earlier, my life will never be the same. I look at life so gently. I take the time to smell the roses, I am present with my family, and I also try to smile at strangers. What Sabrina has taught me was that life is too short. The last text message I sent her was that I loved her. I always tell my friends that I love them…never did I think that would be my last. So, what am I trying to tell you? Walk through life just a little bit slower. Let’s be real. Our generation moves far too fast and we forget to pause and embrace the moment. We only have one life and we will always go through hard times but we must choose to continue to live! I could have chosen to give up and let the darkness take over but thankfully, I didn’t. It takes unbelievable strength to wake up every morning but I do it for my family and all the other moms that need me to continue to spread my message. I was afraid that if I let the light shine that meant that I was forgetting Sabrina. I was so wrong. Her memory lives each time I work on the podcast and each time I share my story. Life is so fragile so please as you are reading this, be sure to hug that person or people who you love so dearly. We only have one life, so let’s live it!