Your death has changed a lot for so many of us but I can only speak for myself. It hurts to know that I can’t see you again. It’s strange really knowing that you are no longer a phone call or a drive away. It’s been over a year and It still hurts. Although maybe not as intense as before, I know this sadness will forever be here. I wish you would have shared your pain with me. I wish I could have shined that light for you like I have done for so many moms. But, had we not lose you, I probably would never have had the courage to do so.
When I found out what happened, I was numb. I remember sitting there by my vanity with no thought in the world. I don’t know how I made it to work that day. I felt the anger but I also felt empathy. I’ve always been the sensitive kind, I too have struggled with depression but it I didn’t really deal with it as a child. However, I felt instant empathy for you. The darkness I knew you must have felt but overwhelming. I felt severe sadness. Why?! Why GOD!? Why did you let this happen?! How could you have let this happen?! I felt sadness for myself, your family, and most of all your daughters. I thought, “They will go on without their mother!” That was when I held my daughter tighter that night.
Then, I felt guilty. I should have seen the signs. I should have called you more. Why didn’t I just call you? Why? Why didn’t I just come over to keep you company? Why?
It was the guilt and the stress of becoming a mother of two when my own postpartum depression sank in. Is this how you felt? Oh, Lord! This is painful! Is this how you felt before you died!? I am scared, I don’t want to die but I want the pain to go away. I can’t handle this pain. My family doesn’t deserve to deal with my mess. Knowing how you must have felt was so overwhelming. Knowing the pain. This pain is something I would never wish upon anyone and to know how my best friend felt? It was even more painful!
It was around the time I decided to start healing when I realized how much you’ve changed me. Sometimes, I feel like you’ve passed your empathy down to me. I walk through life a lot slower, I remember to feel my emotions and most of all, I show so much more grace to others. That was something you’ve taught me. That, you may never know what that stranger is going through and how just a smile can make their day so much brighter!
I miss you, my friend but I know you’re watching over me. You’re watching over all of us. I know you see me, especially when the pain gets so heavy, I know you’re there.
I love you forever,
If YOU or someone you know may be struggling please REACH OUT! YOU ARE ENOUGH!
Call the PSI Warmline at 1-800-944-4773(4PPD)
The PSI Warmline is a toll-free telephone number anyone can call to get basic information, support, and resources. Dial extension 1 for Spanish and extension 2 for English. The Warmline messages are returned every day of the week. You are welcome to leave a confidential message anytime, and one of the warmline volunteers will return your call as soon as possible. If you are not able to talk when the volunteer calls you, you can arrange another time to connect. The volunteer will give you information, encouragement, and names of resources near you.